I was lying on the bed after skyping my mum who was 6000 miles away at a friend’s birthday party. My eyes were red and puffy, I was exhausted, scared and motionless. In fact, the only movement I’d made in this tiny hotel room was to the bathroom as I couldn’t keep anything down. I thought that despite all of his faults, he wouldn’t have left me. I mean, how could he? I was there for him 24/7 for 5 years. I simply adored that guy and would have travelled to the ends of the earth for him. Well, I did travel to the end of the earth for him as a matter of fact. In March 2012 I packed my bag and bought myself a one way ticket to China to re-join my boyfriend who I’d been with for 3 years by that point. Looking back, it was a drastic move. Some could say it was an ill-planned move. I remember counting down the days until I could be with him again. He (who shall, just like anyone on my blog, remain nameless) left England in the January of that year, so we had a waiting period of 2 months before we saw each other again. This was the longest time I’d ever spent without him and I hated it! I threw myself into work and prayed that March 1st would come around quickly. Upon arriving in China, I remember seeing him at the airport and something just didn’t feel right. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Regardless, I still ran towards him and gave him the biggest hug ever. He did not retaliate in the same way. That should have been my first warning sign but I was just so happy to be there with him again that I dismissed it as jet lag. Anyway, there’s a lot more of that later. Right now, let’s go back to the main event.
He went to England to visit his friends and family in the summer of 2013, leaving me in China, which I was fine with because by that point, I was more or less fluent in Mandarin and had my own network of friends. He was gone for 2 months. In those two months I spent the whole time seeing my friends and having a blast travelling around the province I was living in, (again, I’ll come back to that. I’m straying off the subject a lot). When he got back, I had my suspicions about his antics during his visit home. I’d always known that he was a flirt. A massive flirt in fact. It had always bothered me but I never thought he’d really go behind my back and do anything. It turns out I was wrong.
Come back to January and I am in my apartment. He is out at the bars again with his friends. Another lonely night for me then! I looked over and to my amazement, saw that he’d left his laptop open, switched on and unlocked. This was a rare occasion as he always protected them with passwords. What happened next was part of my ‘FBI-Suspicious boyfriend-investigation-autopilot’ mode that had kicked in. I dared to go to the laptop and open Skype. I went to his last conversations and found a conversation with a guy I knew he’d been speaking to when we broke up briefly a few years earlier. What I read, I cannot post on here as it is the most graphically worded conversation I have ever seen in my entire life. To put it mildly, my boyfriend had been cheating on me, without me having a clue. My stomach dropped, my knees gave way, and I was on the floor. I could feel the anger swelling up inside me like a volcano. I was dizzy and couldn’t feel my legs. Before I could do anything about it, I vomited all over the sofa, the floor and his laptop. Then came the tears. Oh, the tears! I swear, if you’d of held a paddling pool underneath my sobbing face, you could of had a pretty deep swim right there. I was shaking. I couldn’t even pick up a cigarette to light. I just couldn’t believe this had happened. The person that I had loved for so long had taken me for a fool. How could he ever think that I’d never find out!? I tried to call him but he didn’t answer. I must have called him about 30 times. He eventually called me back at 6am and I asked him what this was all about. He told me that he’d slept with this guy when we were on our break but that did not excuse the fact that he was still doing things online with this guy while I was in China, waiting for him to come home to me.
He somehow persuaded me, stupidly, to stay with him and give him another chance, which I did. We were due to leave my apartment as my school was renting it for me and the lease had ended. We were going to live in a hotel for a week before I flew out to England. He was supposed to meet me there 2 months later. This is not what happened.
I had just finished my last shift at my school and went for a meal/drinks afterwards at my favourite western restaurant with my colleagues. The boyfriend was of course invited but didn’t show up. I had a really good night with them and returned to the hotel in which we were staying, above the busiest night club in the city. I got back to our hotel room to find him sat on the end of the bed. I walked over, gave him a kiss and started to tell him about the party and how much fun I’d had. I looked around the room and noticed that all of his stuff was gone. The suitcase, the clothes, the laptop, everything. Gone. I sat down and knew what was coming.
“It’s over”. BOOM, like taking a bullet!
What was I supposed to say to that?
He explained that he thought we had drifted apart and we were running on a road that had come to a dead end. I was just silent. I had no words. My throat was dry and I thought my stomach was going to explode up through my nostrils. He started to cry. I felt nothing for him. There were only two things going through my mind at that point: Relief and anger. Relief because I was finally free of all of the worry, walking on eggshells and convincing myself that I was crazy. Anger because after he convinced me to stay with him after finding out that he cheated, he then left me! It was as though he knew it was over but didn’t want to be the one who was left. His ego couldn’t have handled that. After a long drawn out conversation that felt like it went on for a year, we decided to end the relationship amicably and do what any couple that breaks up does. We went to McDonald’s. I couldn’t eat anything. I just had coffee. Lots of it! After my coffee binge, I decided that I couldn’t stay at that hotel anymore, even if he left and went somewhere else. He took me to another hotel around the corner from my old apartment and got me a room for my final 3 days that I had in China. To be fair to him, he was nice about that. Making sure that I had somewhere to stay, however, looking back on it, it was the very least that he could do considering he’d been cheating, lying and destroying me for the last 5 years! He dropped me off and I went into my room. I instantly ran to the bathroom and vomited what felt like my organs, into the toilet. It had finally hit me. I was now completely alone in China. My friends had returned home for the holidays, my boyfriend had left me and all I wanted was my mum to make it all go away. I skyped her and felt terrible when I realized she was out for a friend’s birthday. She calmed me down and reminded me that I only had three days left there. We had a big long talk and I felt slightly better, threw up some more and went to bed.
The 3 days that followed were bizarre to say the least. I spent the whole time with my now ex-boyfriend. We went to lunch and dinner, went shopping, chatted and had coffee. It was bittersweet. Why couldn’t he of done any of this when we were together? I went to his apartment and was looking for things that belonged to me. I opened his bedside drawers and what did I find? Condoms and lube. Already opened. I know it wasn’t ours, as we’d not done anything for 2 years (another story for later). I asked him where it came from and he told me that his friend had given it to him the day before as his mum apparently forced him to have some now that he was single. He had been single for less than 24 hours. Another lie. Everything was starting to focus. Outside my hotel, 3 days later, my taxi pulled up to take me to the airport. Me and him had talked about maybe trying again in 6 months. Fresh start and all. I had stupidly gone along with this. I got on that plane seriously believing that in 6 months, we were going to be together again.
Upon arriving at Heathrow airport, my mum didn’t recognise me when I met her. She later told me that it broke her heart to see her son so run down, looking so old and worn out. Yet there I was, in the car on the way home, talking about how me and him are going to get back together. I downloaded Grindr for my phone a few weeks after I got home and started talking to some different guys around my area. It’s amazing what happens when you say that you lived in china with your boyfriend. People then say
“Oh, I slept with a Chinese guy who speaks English really well….his name is **********”.
The more I spoke to people, the more I found out about my ex and his need to sleep with anything that moves. I beat myself up about it a lot. I blamed myself for the breakup.
“If only I’d done this and if only I hadn’t of said that”…..This carried on until I then met somebody else a few months later.
Guy #2 was amazing! Smart, funny, sexy, independent. Everything that I’d been craving for the last 5 years. Unfortunately it was short lived (full story later). It only lasted a month before he bailed and ran. That really upset me. I did not want to be his boyfriend. In fact, I was quite happy just seeing him and taking things slowly. Not how he saw it. I just kept thinking
“Why does this keep happening to me?!” “What’s wrong with me?!”
As I said before, one night I was sat there feeling sorry for myself on the sofa. The ex had been back in contact with me, I hadn’t heard off guy #2 in two weeks and I was feeling at my lowest. The Celine Dion probably wasn’t my best idea! All of a sudden, out of nowhere, it was as if somebody came up behind me and shoved a rocket up my backside! That’s it, I thought. No longer will I let any man or anybody ever make me feel this bad. Never, ever again! With that I started to google stories of breakups and guys that sleep with you then leave you and make it out like it’s your fault. I was so amazed at how many people have had this done to them! I had a sudden surge of energy, picked up a pen and paper and started to write. I wrote pages and pages of everything that was on my mind and stuck the biggest middle finger up to the Pandora’s Box of problems I’d created for myself previously.
That’s where we come to the present day. I am here to tell you in detail about what I’ve been through and to show you that in the end, it’s all going to be OK! Honestly! In addition, I’m going to post things about what I’m up to in my life. I’m doing this so that you can look at it and weigh up the bad shit that happened and compare it to the amount of good things that have happened and the amazing things that are about to happen! If anything, I want this to be a beacon for anyone doubting themselves or being told that they can’t do anything.
You CAN do anything. You MUST do it. You ARE brilliant!
I am here to show you that!
Click here for the next instalment!