“The scars of your love remind me of us. They keep me thinking that we almost had it all. The scars of your love, they leave me breathless. I can’t help feeling we could of had it all” – Adele.
It has now been 6 months since my relationship ended with the guy that I loved above all in this world. 6 months since that muggy night in a stuffy hotel room in southern China. 6 months since I realized that I would never sleep on the same bed with him again. 6 months since I realized that I would never hug him again. 6 months since the grip he had on me was taken away. 6 months since I was set free.
Now speaking from the other side, looking back at the blubbing mess that I was, I can see things clearly. I do look at it as a release now, whereas before it was a punishment. A punishment for not being good enough for him that he had to end it. Now that I see clearly, I can see that the tears he produced on the night of our breakup were all crocodile tears. There was no love from him for such a long time. If there was love, in my opinion, he wouldn’t have done what he did, repeatedly and so obviously in-front of me.
2 months ago, I received word that my ex was returning to England. He didn’t tell me himself but instead told my best friend. I didn’t need him to tell me, nor did I expect him to. We were over and that was that. I had always tried to maintain some sort of friendship with him though. Even after everything he had done to me and our relationship, I wanted to have the ability to remain mature and keep a level of friendship. After all, he was a part of my life for 5 years. That’s not exactly a pointless, ridiculous flash in the pan, unlike some others that I have experienced (see “Guy #3”). We weren’t best friends, as I am unable to do that with him anymore. We would hardly speak but when we did, there were no arguments. There were no feelings anymore from me. I didn’t feel anything for him anymore. He had arrived back in England and I asked him if he arrived safely. We exchanged a few messages and that was that. A few days later, we were having another conversation and he enquired as to why me and guy#3 didn’t work out. I told him the truth as I have nothing to hide from anyone. It went well and he assured me that one day I would meet someone who was right for me. A few hours later, I found out that he had gone to the pub with his friends back on the village we met for the first time, all those years ago. He sat in a pub, in a village that I used to live in with his friends and admitted to them that he was cheating on me during the relationship. I was told this and lost my temper. Not once in the time that we have been over has he told me what he did. I know what he did as I found out myself, sometimes accidentally. I was furious. How can someone sit in a pub and discuss things about my relationship that I don’t even know?! Every time I would ask him what he did, he would never admit it to me. I would only get one answer:
“I admit that I did wrong but there’s no point in telling you”.
After finding out that he could easily tell anybody in a pub, I lost what little respect I had for him. That was the pivotal point for me to show me that I didn’t need him anymore. I was done. After a final blowout on the phone, I said what I needed to say and asked him never to contact me again. I do not want to hear from him, hear about him or see him again. That was nearly 2 months ago. I can honestly say that I do not miss him in the slightest. I don’t miss living a lie. I don’t miss walking on eggshells and I certainly don’t miss being treated like an idiot. Right now, people ask me if I am over him or not. A lot of people are convinced that I’m not over him, including him. What I would say to anyone that’s getting impatient with a friend who has gone through a breakup is that you need to understand that when you have been with someone for so long, they become a part of you. They become a part of you that you care for and nurture. When that part of you turns sour and is taken away from you, you naturally feel sad about it, no matter what the circumstances. However, a small part of them will always stay with you. This can be songs that you listened to together or your favourite meals or something that you did together in your everyday life. In my case, what I have is pain. I have a lot of pain inside of me still. Don’t be fooled into thinking that the pain is eating away at me though. The pain is there to remind me that I never need to put myself in that situation again. It isn’t a kind of pain that hurts me anymore. It’s the sort of pain that acts like a teacher, reminding you of the right way to do it.
Point of this post? –
As Adele said in the opening quote “We could have had it all”. We really could have had it all. Everything happens for a reason. I wasn’t meant to be in such a poisonous relationship. I was meant to learn my lessons in order to make the bigger picture that much brighter. It’s ok to hold on to that small piece of your last relationship, as long as you are using it to your advantage. Do not give anyone the satisfaction of knowing that they beat you down. Turn that energy around and throw an imaginary F**K YOU to the ones who put you there by changing your life. It’s what shapes you, it’s what taught you, it’s what made you who you are today- strong. No matter how many times you scream in your head that you don’t want to think about them anymore, you must teach yourself how to be comfortable with the situation. Remember that your ex is an ex for a reason. When you feel yourself wanting to call them, remind yourself of this:
“An ex-partner is an ex-partner for a reason. If it didn’t work out the first time, it doesn’t mean that it will work out this time.”
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