Hi folks. A short and sweet post today. There’s a lot more coming this week. I wanted to get this little gem out of the way before I get onto the cool stuff!
I always find it fascinating how little time it takes to change your life forever. A year ago today, I was sat in western themed café in china, sweating my ass off, eating some sort of German/British/Chinese based breakfast at 3pm with my (then) boyfriend. At this point, I really wasn’t happy living in china or being in my relationship. Obviously I lied in order to convince myself that I was on cloud 9 and everything was all sparkles and fairy dust. On the inside, I was screaming. I was sat opposite him watching him gnaw on his meal. Every move he made frustrated me. I was trying so hard to collect any good feelings I had left for him and keep them safe in my heart. No matter how many times I would collect them all up, they would seep through my body and into the atmosphere. It was like trying to contain oxygen inside a colander. I shouldn’t have been feeling like this. Especially on that day. It was our 5 year anniversary. I should have been skipping down the street, happy that I was still so in love. Instead, I was amazed that we had made it so far. Every year, on September 23rd, I would always think to myself
“Are we going to make it another year?”
I just knew last year, sat there, sweating like a glass-blower’s backside, looking at someone that I had so much hatred for, that we weren’t going to make it much further. I spent the rest of my anniversary celebrating and getting drunk at a bar with my friends. He had gone somewhere else with his friends. Part of the separate lives that we both seemed to be living at that point.
We had a conversation in that café. We were talking about plans for the next year or so. I found myself putting my foot down and insisting that we have some sort of direction. In our relationship, we never planned anything. Moving to china was planned on a whim. Getting together in the first place only took three days. Moving in together was decided after being together for 3 months. I wanted to know what we were going to do with our lives. I was 23. I was getting older and craved a life with direction. He looked me in the eyes while I put it to him that we move back to England. He wanted to study at university again and I was missing my friends and family so much. I also knew that all of my friends were about to leave china before Christmas and there was a good chance that I would be left alone to start all over again in a few months. No, this time, we were going to plan it and actually achieve something with our lives. It was done. The decision had been made. I was going home. I wasn’t about to chase my boyfriend around the world anymore. It was time, after 5 years, to grow up and grow some balls. It turns out that on that day, a year ago, I made the best decision I have ever made.
Incase you haven’t noticed, in the last few weeks, I haven’t been around here much. There have been no new blog posts from me and I haven’t updated the website at all. I’ve had a few people ask me if I have run out of things to say on here. The answer to that, dear readers, is NO. Believe me when I say that I could sit at this desk and write 10,000 posts about my past. In time, I will write what I feel is appropriate to say, at the appropriate time. Now is not the time. I have been doing a lot of self-reflection recently. I have been dreading this day for nearly a year. I always knew it would come and I couldn’t escape it. I can’t stop time. Finally, today happened. The world didn’t spin off its axis, the sky didn’t fall and I didn’t lose my cool. Instead, I looked back and recognised the things that I have done since that day, one year ago. I’ve come so far in my life and haven’t realised until now. I have been spending far too much time thinking about what went wrong in my relationships. I have been going over and over in my head what kind of person I must be if these people keep leaving me, lying to me and hurting me. There’s no doubt about it, my taste in men in the past has been shocking. That is something that has changed.
These days, instead of finding me smashing up photo frames containing pictures of me and my ex-boyfriend, you will likely find me laughing with someone and walking with a spring in my step more than before.
Because I have shed the skin of the past. It is still there, kept in a mental box. It has so many chains around it and a million padlocks on it, locked away in the deepest, darkest part of my mind. It is kept there as a reminder of a person that I nearly became. It is there to help you when you read this blog and it is there to remind me where I came from. Occasionally I peek into it and have a feel around for something that I have missed. Then I close the lid and lock it away. I tend to remember things by dates. So far, since my breakup, when something happens, I always think “this day would have been……had we have stayed together”. This is normal. It is the first year of my breakup. Different anniversaries will make me feel things that I don’t want to feel. This will only happen once. I only allow it to happen once. After that, it is deleted from my life. After I publish this post, today won’t mean anything where he is concerned.
It’s been a long old process to get to where I am today, but it’s been one that’s been worth my while. You can never reach happiness without some struggle in life. That is just the way of the world. God, I have been through my struggles, but they don’t define who I am today. What defines me is my determination to make a better life for myself than I had before. Sometimes, we all need to take the time to shut ourselves off for a couple of weeks to recuperate. You NEED that time for yourself. You HAVE to love yourself. It’s a lesson I’ve learned in the past and keep with me every day.
So today would have been my 6 year anniversary with my boyfriend, had he have not have been the biggest, nastiest, vindictive, cheating, fake, compulsive liar that I have ever met. It didn’t work out. Obviously. Today is still an anniversary. It isn’t the 6 year anniversary of how long I have been with my boyfriend. It is the one year anniversary of the day that I took hold of the reins and decided to make a change in my life. It is a landmark in my mind of the time that I let go of the apron strings, stood up and made a decision for myself.
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