In the event of nuclear warfare, you can almost guarantee that our planet as we know it, would be destroyed. That is, of course, apart from cockroaches and my ex-boyfriends (the fact that I now have to plural the word ‘boyfriend’ is enough to make me lose a few more hairs upon saying the word, but there you go).
No matter how much I try to avoid them, block them, change my name, wear a wig (that was only one time) or deny that I know have any knowledge of their existence, they somehow crawl back through the safety-net of barbed wire and razor blades that I have created around my life.
One sunny morning in a not so bright town, I awoke to discover some more things about boyfriend #1 (cast your mind back: China, cheater, liar, Lucifer himself, etc) from when we were together. Now, the old me would have sat here and told you all about it, providing you with some sort of poetic lesson. The new me just doesn’t have the time for it. What I will say is that it isn’t very nice, but I now have complete, sweet, sweet closure.
Honestly, I had a bit of a moment when I found out, leading some water to leak from my face, but I’m sure that it wasn’t tears. It’s far more likely to be an allergy of some sort. I had a few cigarettes, adjusted my crown and went to work. Sat at my desk, I admired one of my 5, lovely ‘Cambridge Satchels’. I love looking at my little collection. They fill me with so much joy. Looking at their perfect surfaces and embossed initials, adorned with shiny fixtures makes my little stone heart swell a little bit. You know what I didn’t get this feeling with? A boyfriend. As decided by myself and a few other single (and not so single) guys and gals, here are ten reasons as to why you should buy yourself a new bag instead of searching the Tinder jungle for a boyfriend:
- Quality:You wouldn’t buy yourself a new Jaguar without taking it for a test drive. You wouldn’t throw a hair-dryer into the bath tub whilst you were in it. You wouldn’t buy a wedding dress without making sure it was flattering first. You wouldn’t buy a perfect bag without checking it could hold all of your belongings. These are all precautions that you can take before committing yourself to something that may be useless in the future. You can’t exactly return a boyfriend. If you could, we’d have an account!
- Quantity:This one is from someone who isn’t single. You can have as many bags as you want. One for every day, one for every special occasion. You can’t really do that with a partner (unless you’re my ex, of course…..). You’re kind of obliged to stay with the same person, traditionally speaking, unless you have your own arrangement, of course.
- Durability: That’s right. They can take a beating in rough weather and withhold a lot more weight in them than most people can in their bare hands. After all, they are built for carrying things, as opposed to carrying them and moaning about their fingers having no blood circulation left. A bag won’t complain about holding your things for you. They’ll even cater to letting you sit on them at a busy train station, if need be.
- Preservation: Similar to the point above, but slightly different. As precious and expensive as bags are (particularly in my case, with my satchels), if you look after them properly and treat them with the care and love that they deserve, they will last you for much longer than a flash-in-the-pan. No matter how many times you remind your spouse to put their umbrella up, they can still complain that their quiff has flattened, going from ‘Jedward’ to ‘Justin Bieber’ (circa 2008) in seconds. Bags don’t do this. They appreciate that the weather isn’t ideal, but because you’ve taken the time to waterproof them earlier that afternoon, they accept it and keep quiet.
- Price: Sure enough, when you see the price of your dream bag, you may have a small breakdown at the thought of re-mortgaging your property just to buy it. Think of it this way: A bag is a one off payment, rather than an ongoing direct debit to the bank of love every month.
- Cosmetic appreciation:Bags can be beautiful…men and women can be beautiful. However, when treated properly, bags don’t develop a scrotum that acts as a doorstop or boobs that drag like sandbags. You can rest assured that the only leathery thing that will be hanging over your shoulder of a Monday afternoon will be a lovely bag strap. No more waiting around for 3 hours, sitting through 5 different outfit changes, pretending that you’ve noticed that they’ve changed mascara or their trainers. No no, now, with your wonderful new bag, what you see is really what you get. It’s always ready to go and always willing to accompany you shopping.
- Loyalty:How often have you read in the newspaper or online about someone’s husband leaving them for someone younger and prettier? (Think ‘Ivana Trump’). Hell, there have even been people that have left their spouse for a tree. A TREE! (We really are screwed if trees can find someone and we can’t). When was the last time that you read or heard of Percy Prada cheating on Gullible Gucci with a Slutty Stella McCartney? Didn’t think so. In this new bag, you’ve got a partner for life. It has eyes for nobody but you. It’s true love!
- Control:I don’t condone controlling people, at all. However, I, like so many of you, have been the person being controlled in a relationship. This is where you can take the reins again! Now that douche-bag has gone and that you’re considering replacing idiots with fine quality leather, you can finally start to take control of your life. Take it to dinner at a restaurant of your choice, go and see a movie that YOU want to see. Don’t even ask the bag. It won’t complain, it hasn’t got a mouth! A bag isn’t going to tell you that you need to stop drinking tequila and go home so that you can make lunch for the following day for someone else, and really, if you think that your bag is speaking to you at any time, it’s definitely worth going to see your doctor.
- Pride:If you take your new bag with you to the pub on a Friday evening, expect it to be complimented. Whilst people may compliment the colour, the craftsmanship, the texture and the brand, just consider the jealous bitches on the other side of the bar who are contemplating if it’s fake or not. Way better to let them be jealous of your fabulous bag, rather than the man you took with you. Speaking of which, bear in mind that it’s better to take home your bag of an evening, rather than trying to resuscitate ‘Dave’ off the pub sofa, because he did too many b-52’s and is now covered in toilet roll and pistachio shells, before going for a #cheekynandos.
- Consideration:You’ve handpicked this bag. It’s your baby. It knows you. When you wear it, it just knows where to fall on your waist, because it’s kindly moulded itself to your body shape, complimenting your walk. It doesn’t hold on to your arm, dragging you around like a caveman drags its club. This bag listens to you. It understands that you need to fold a piece of pizza from the dinner table in a paper towel and store it inside it. It keeps your secret about how many chocolate bars you’ve actually had, by storing your empty wrappers until you can find a bin. It doesn’t look at your thighs and grimace.
I think that we can all agree on one thing: Just because you have baggage, that doesn’t mean that it has to be carried in a sandwich bag.
Many thanks to all who participated in this article. In particular, Louella, who, like me, doesn’t do anything #basic.
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