Hallmark Explosion: Ten things that make singles nauseous.

It seems that everywhere I turn, I cannot escape the smiles and glory of ‘passion’. Matching jumpers, phone cases, profile pictures and tattoos: Nothing is sacred anymore.

It’s everywhere I go. Even Tesco has hopped on the sodding band wagon. When doing my weekly shop the other day, I was carelessly minding my own business walking down the Christmas aisle (because even us singles have people/cats to buy for), when I was greeted with an explosion of love, coming at me from every angle; Christmas cards ‘from the both of us’, ‘his and hers’ cups, novelty underwear, towels that are branded with ‘his queen’ and ‘my king’ and little keyring things that join in to a heart. I got over it, put the couples in the ‘with sympathy’ section and sashayed on to the cooked chicken hot plate.

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I thought that was it. I thought that I’d had my fill of nausea and pure jealousy from my Tesco visit. Wrong. Very wrong. That night, sat listening to the new Adele album, couples hour began. Snapchat, Facebook and Instagram were ablaze with passion. In my dramatic, post-relationship ‘too glam to give a damn’ mood, I began to write a list of things that make us singles feel like puking up our meals for one. I can imagine that this might throw a bit of shade back at me, to the lovely couples reading this, so I’ll stop now and tell you that I’m also writing a contrasting post to this, taking about what couples don’t like about single people.

  • Snapchat: By all means, feel free to post a snap to your story so that everyone can see your matching Christmas outfits, quirky little gifts to each other and selfies of you lying next to your significant other while they sleep, but really, do you need to send them to me personally? Honestly, I’m sure that you have people on your friends list that will appreciate your shared jacuzzi selfies and the picture of a note that he left you on the sideboard that won’t hiss and run away like a vampire in the sunlight.

 

  • Public transport invasion: I’m on the tube, trying to get to Covent Garden. I don’t need to listen to you snog next to my ear. If I wanted to watch people kiss, I’d go to Soho. Last month, I went to the Tower of London. We were stood in the torture chamber and a couple behind me and my friend started to kiss. It was very sloppy and very loud. Ever heard people kiss in a torture chamber? No? There’s a reason for that.

 

  • Dining out: So it’s totally cool that you’ve got a candlelit table at the window, even if me and my friend were shoved practically in the kitchen, but when you sit on the same side as each other and feed your partner and try to re-enact ‘the Lady and the Tramp’, it puts me off my spaghetti.  Remember, the lady and the tramp were dogs. DOGS! If you want to eat like a dog, please go and do it in your kennel and let us sad bitches experience eating at the good tables!

Speaking of food:

  • Pre-packaged meal snobbery: “Oh, you buy the ready meals from Aldi. I only go to M+S. Omg like it’s like totally lush yah”. *Claps hands* Great. Enjoy feeding two for £10. That’s fine. Just remember the struggle that we have as single people when buying ready meals now. There was a time when you could buy a pre-packaged ‘Meal for One’ in a plastic carrier bag. It contained a few starters and a main course. Those days have gone. They’ve now ousted them! These days, we’re presented with the (now) standard ‘meal for 2’ bags, leaving us spinsters to search the aisles, foraging for an egg friend rice before Janis, the lady at No. 52 buys them all again. Sodding Janis.

 

  • THIS:

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  • Becoming Ricki Lake: So you’ve been in your third relationship this year for a total of three weeks. Congratulations. I am genuinely happy for you. No, really, I am. This does not mean that you can now tell me how I am going wrong with my relationships. Just because someone now joins you for Netflix and Chill does not mean that you are the Ricki Lake of Europe. Also, don’t get sassy when I don’t want your advice. If your advice was fantastic, then you’d follow it once in a while, wouldn’t you?

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  • Attack of the Doppelgänger:  Fabulous. You both look like a clone of each other in your Christmas jumper and matching ‘His and Hers’ hats, or ‘I’m with bae’ lederhosens, and if that is what you want to do and if you wish to look like you’ve just walked out of an ABBA tribute act, then you crack on. Just don’t shove it down our throats at every opportunity. “Have you se-“……”YES MIRANDA! I HAVE SEEN YOUR MATCHING CUPS AND BASTARD IDENTICAL ONSIES FOUR TIMES TODAY ALREADY!”

 

  • Charity: No, you cannot adopt me as your ‘single bestie’. No, I do not want to live in your attic because you think that it would be just ‘literally adorable’. I’m a person who can’t hold a man down, not a leper. More to the point, I have an amazing bed that I’m glad that I don’t share anymore because frankly, it’s too good to share with someone who snores and farts like a Rhino on meth. If I wanted you to adopt me as a single, gay pet, I wouldn’t ask and I’d just move in without telling you, into your bed. Bye bye sex life.

 

  • Fix up’s: Some people like them, but most don’t. Why oh why, oh why did you think it was a good idea to set me up with someone who can’t even walk upright and breathe at the same time without finding it too difficult? I don’t give a rat’s ass if they are your boyfriend’s best mate. If I wanted to be with a Neanderthal, I would still be with my ex-boyfriends. If I want an instant boyfriend, I will log on to Grindr and pick one from there. You’ll know this because I’ll be sending you screenshots of their profiles and asking your opinion.

 

  • One track mind: I’m aware that from time to time, I, like so many other singles that I know, tend to moan about being single, so this one is a two way thing. But honestly, I know that you’re excited about being in a relationship, but now that we’ve finished our conversation, I feel as though I now know your boyfriend inside and out. I know his favourite food, his favourite scent, his family history, his blood type and I know about his last girlfriend (bitch).

 

  • The deal-breaker: For the love of god, you always insist on asking “omg like why are you single? You’re like so perfect for someone. Like really, why are you single?”

“BECAUSE I’M FUCKING CRAZY! I’M AN ABSOLUTE PSYCHO.I WILL CUT YOUR HAIR OFF IN YOUR SLEEP AND ADD IT TO MY POT OF COOKED BUNNIES, CACKLING AND SINGING TO MY BARBARA STREISAND BOX-SET!”

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