What NOT to do on a first date

The dreaded first date. In truth, I actually hate them. I wish that I could turn up, looking fabulous and already knowing the person who I’m meeting. Not so easy for me, as all of my friends appear to have found someone, leaving me with the option of dating the weird guy who lives a few doors down from me, who has a women’s underwear fetish and refers to me as ‘Bambi’. *shudder*. I’ve made some dating mistakes in my time. Some of them, I’m happy to discover, are quite common. For those of you who are about to be whisked away for a first date somewhere, here’s a few handy tips to save your date. If you need me, I’ll be fighting ‘stockings man’ off with a rather large stick:


  • Don’t pretend to be someone that you’re not: Oh boy, I made this mistake. It’s all fun and games telling someone on a date that you are a spy from Azerbaijan on a a secret mission to bring down the price of milk, but sometimes that can bite you on the ass! When I first met ‘Lucifer’, I told him that I was a professional dancer at ‘Bodyworks’ dance studio in Cambridge. I told him that I could do the entire routine to ‘Buttons’ by the Pussycat Dolls and that if he played his cards right, I’d show him. This turned out to be a big problem for me, considering that he then went on to be my boyfriend for years afterwards, which meant that I had to tell him the truth. There’s nothing worse than having to admit that you’re more of a Slobby Sloth, rather than a Svelte Susan.


  • Don’t constantly talk about yourself: It’s extremely irritating to have to try and fight for an opportunity to speak to your date if the other party is rattling on like a parrot on speed. Reel it in. There shall be plenty more opportunities to tell them about the time that you slid down Mount Everest on a sled made from the weathered bedsheets of the Dalai Lama. Take a deep breath and allow room for conversation. Besides, you don’t want to give everything away on a first date. Inject a bit of mystery.



  • Don’t start with the pick-up lines:I like every bone in your body, especially mine“, “Lets play Barbie. I’ll be Ken and you can be the box I come in“, “I may not be Fred Flinststone but I bet I can make your bed rock


I’m sure that these pick up lines work on everybody, if everybody meant nobody. Stop it. You’re putting your date off their food and making their skin crawl.


  • Obsessing over your ex: A lot of us have an ex, and most of the time, they are your ex for a very good reason. Don’t sit at the table with your new date and go into massive detail on what a fucktard they were and why you’re “just SO over him, because he’s like SO annoying. Am I right!?“. No, you’re not right. You make it sound as though he’s still relatively important enough to speak about on a first date. Change the conversation, even if he asks about your last mistake boyfriend.


  • Don’t be a bitch: Playing hard to get by not kissing on a first date is one thing. By insulting or making them feel inferior on a first date, or at all, you are going the right way for a long, lonely life. You’re not Kate Winslet boarding the Titanic. Check yourself.


  • Don’t give all the attention to your phone: Checking in on facebook, tweeeting the shit out of the place that you’re sat at, Instagramming the food lik there’s no tomorrow. All of that is great, and kudos to you for keeping your social media up to date, but while you’ve been doing that, your date has become bored of waiting and is looking at the waitress in the short skirt instead. #yolo #datenight #instafood #foodporn #DITCHED


  • Don’t forget their name: James? Karl? Tom? Michael? Joe? Harold? What was his name again!? It’s the 21st century and instant dating has become rife in day to day life. No longer is it the norm for anyone to date just one person at a time. Stick a post-it to your forehead, make a note on the palm of your hand or get your friend to text you just before you meet them. Remembering his name is imperative. Too many wrong names and he’ll assume that you’re a hussy with a windsock *down below*.


  • Never, ever, ever, ever assume that they are going to pay the whole bill: There was a time that it was totally expected that one party would pay for the bill before the other had time to get their credit card out of their Primark purse. Those days have gone, what with the increase of equality and different social standards (huzzah). Always be prepared to pay for the bill. That doesn’t mean to say that you should pay for all of it, but at least offer to, and then pay half each.

May you all enjoy your first dates! I’m just off out to buy an electric collar for my stalker.


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