10 things you should know before dating someone from the north……chuck

Aye! Ayup chuck! Bloody Nora! Ya what!? Calm down calm down! Come’ed lad, that’s boss! IYAAAAAAAAAA!: Familiar calls of the northern tongue, and I should know, because I’m from the North-west. One thing that’s always bugged me about dating someone that isn’t from the north is the apparent generalisation that we all live on meat + potato pies, wear flat-caps and constantly walk our whippets on the marshes. That may be true for some, but not all of us. There are a few things that you should know before dating someone from the north:

  • If you make us a crap brew, we will never forget it: No, do not put the milk in the cup, on top of the tea bag before you’ve added the water! This is a cardinal sin! We like it strong, brewed to buggery and depending on what part of the north we are from, strong enough so that you could stand a spoon up in the cup.

 

  • Everything is sandwich-able: Shepherds pie, lasagne, Yorkshire pudding, mushy peas, roast dinner, mashed potato and the classic crisp sandwich: All acceptable! It’s just something that we do. It’s etched on to our souls. Expect us to ask for bread at a restaurant so that we can pile our £25 tortellini onto two slabs of Warburtons. Butties aren’t just for bacon, my friends.

 

  • Expect brutal honesty: Even if you didn’t ask for it:  “If you’ve done something stupid or you’ve bought me something shit – expect me to tell you that you’re crap!If you buy something clothes/shoes etc and I think they’re awful… I’m going to tell you and not be seen dead with you if you wear them!”, Heather, 21, Runcorn

 

  • If you go outside, the likelihood that you will be spoken to by someone that you don’t know is highly likely: Because we’re friendly. Usually, when I return to the north to visit my friends and family, it takes me three times as long to get out of a shop if I take my Grandma shopping. This is because I’ve usually gotten into a long-winded, deep conversation about bronzer with the lady that works behind the Benefit cosmetics counter in Debenhams. It’s also highly probable that I will do the same thing in most of the shops we visit and at the bar when ordering our pub lunch.

 

  • Chivalry exists: ” Northern men hold doors open and northern women say thank you. Life is less complicated up north”, John, 30, Notts. 

 

  • Mi casa su casa: As one of the most friendly parts of the UK, northerners will mostly do anything they can to help you, even if they don’t know you. You may also be invited into their family and be considered as one of their own. However, if you screw over the person that you are dating, you’d better run. Northern families are not to be messed with. This one time, my pregnant friend was cheated on, so her dad dangled the guy off a bridge until he promised to vanish and never return.

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  • Literally, anyone could be “our”: Our Wayne, our Tara, our Kevin and our Ruth. It just so happens that Kevin and Ruth live down the road and are not related in the slightest. In fact, the only reason they’ve become an ‘our’ is because they lent us a casserole dish back in 1993. Be aware that when we refer to someone as being ‘our’, it could mean anyone. My granny was terrible for it.

 

 

  • You are not dating one person. You are dating us all: At least, this is true in my case and the people that I know up north. Everyone is involved, or aware of your current dating status. When introduced to my friends, it’s not just an initiation process, it’s also an honour for you to meet those closest to me and means that I really like you, because they will be the ones who you will always see.

 

  • We have balls…….big ones: “I’ll just let you steal my handbag out of my 85 year old hands and complain about it to my friends later on, Mr. Skinny Skally Chav”, said no-one ever up north. Expect fireworks when crossing a northerner. For as friendly as we are, we are not afraid to stand up for ourselves and say it like it is. Far too many times, my friends have face-palmed over something I have said to a ‘Billy-big-bollocks’ in a night club who just got that bit too much in my face. You’ll thank us for it later.

 

  • Piss-taking is a sign of endearment: Not dissimilar to the rest of the country, we use piss-taking as a way of showing affection, but up north, it’s said with that extra bit of *umph*. Best friends are tossers, sisters are dickheads and cousins are knobbers. It’s just the norm, so don’t be offended if someone calls you a tit. It probably means that they think that you’re an awesome person!

So there you have it: A small insight into the world of dating a northerner. If you think that you can handle it, sit tight and enjoy the ride. You won’t be disappointed!

 

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